Cards on the table top

Sometimes, it's hard to write.

Life in Chicago continues to be full. Last weekend we hosted a rugby team from Minneapolis, so it was all parties and drunken rugby nudity. On Monday Steven Soderbergh (no relation) invited me to a wine dinner at Bistro Champagne. We had sweet breads!

Tuesday was rugby practice.

Wednesday John--back in Chicago for a few days between 5 weeks of trips to California and Asia--and I went to see Avenue Q. I got paged during the first act and as I tried to make my way back to my seat along the row, by jacket button got caught in a woman's hair. It was awful--she had to untangle me from herself.

Thursday J-Rim took me to the symphony. The Opera and Symphony always have a 'doctor of the house.' They organize it with us, so we get to go to the performances for free with a guest. If something happens, we help out.

I was all set to go the REM/Modest Mouse/The National concert on Friday. But that morning when I confirmed plans with DJ JD, I found out it's two weeks away. I was happy to have the night off.

I smell a movie deal

Anti-emo riots break out in Mexico City.

Javier Bardem as the chief of police! Marc Anthony as the manager for Juanito Come el Mundo! And Rita Moreno as the mother fighting for her son's right to shoegaze.

For the boy--torn between his death metal friends and his Emo girlfriend--we're going to need some fresh-faced unknown. Does Gael García Bernal have a younger brother, some Joaquin Phoenix waiting in the wings?

I've got my mind set on you

"I always had brains on my arms," is my favorite quote from this story that 5 people sent me yesterday.

I had a tie that I loved, and during a neuro autopsy case, I leaned too far in and got brain on it. I tried cleaning it, having it dry cleaned. Let me tell you something, nothing can get brains out of a tie.

I still wore it, because the stain was small. But occasionally med students or nurses would tell me I got something on my tie. "I know," I'd say with resignation, "it's brain and I can't get it out with anything."

40 Tips for an Exceptional Life (both versions)

As a New Year's greeting, my cousin sent me the following list:

40 Tips for an Exceptional, Superb & Powerful Life!

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.
3. Buy a Tivo (DVR), tape your late night shows and get more sleep.
4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, "My purpose is to___________ today."
5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, Empathy.
6. Watch more movies, play more games and read more books this year than you did last year.
7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, tai chi, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
8. Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
9. Dream more while you are awake.
10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less foods that are not manufactured in plants.
11. Drink plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds and walnuts.
12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
13. Clear your clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.
14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.
18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
22. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
24. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie (not you guys.) Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time…..time.
30. However good or bad a situation is…..it will change.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
32. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
33. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
34. The best is yet to come.
35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
36. Do the right thing!
37. Call your family often.
38. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: "I am thankful for __________." Today I accomplished _________.
39. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
40. Enjoy the ride. Remember that this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

I responded with the following email:

I couldn't help but notice the distinctly anti-vampire slant to this list. I have made a vampire friendly version.

40 Tips for an Exceptional, Superb & Powerful Life!

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. While you walk, suck the life blood from a young virgin. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Lie in silence for at least 10 hours each day. Buy a lock for your coffin if you have to.
3. Buy a TiVo (DVR), tape your midday shows and kill more people at night.
4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, "My purpose is to become a better vampire today."
5. Live with the 3 S's – Stalking, Sucking, Stealing.
6. Watch more vampire movies, play more vampire games and read more vampire books this year than you did last year.
7. Make time to practice kung fu, turning into bats/snakes/wolves, and sucking the life blood from virgins. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
8. Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6. (No one will miss the former and the later have strong energy)
9. Dream more while you are awake.
10. Provide more foods that grow on trees and plants and less foods that are not manufactured in plants for your prey. They'll taste much better.
11. Drink plenty of blood. Eat blueberry farmers, wild Alaskan fishermen, and joggers.
12. Try to make at least three people scream each day.
13. Clear your clutter from your castle, your coffin, your wives and let new and flowing energy into your life.
14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, werewolves, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away, much like us turning into a mysterious fog.
16. For breakfast eat a king, lunch a prince and dinner a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the werewolves away.
18. Life isn't fair, and it's good we have the advantage.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Kill them and be done with it.
20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
21. You don't have to win every argument. Kill them and be done with it.
22. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. (Or kill them and be done with it.)
23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
24. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy cape. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five minutes, all of you will be dead! Mwa ha ha ha ha."
27. Forgive everyone for everything, or kill them and be done with it.
28. What other people think of you is up to you. Use mind control if necessary.
29. Time heals almost everything. Time…..and the blood of virgins.
30. However good or bad a situation is…..it will change.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Especially if they are virgins. Suck them dry.
32. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or a virgin.
33. Envy is a waste of time. Steal what you need.
34. The best is yet to come.
35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, show up and make them scream before they die.
36. Do the right thing!
37. Call your family often.
38. Each morning before you lie down complete the following statements: "I am thankful for being a vampire." "Today I accomplished killing innocent virgins."
39. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
40. Enjoy the ride. Remember that this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

Happy Holidays

In small talk lately, people ask me circumspectly, 'what holiday do celebrate?' Not even committing to a 'do you celebrate [Hanukkah/Christmas]?' Does this happen to everyone? Or is it happening because of my ambiguously Jewish last name?

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I went to Aimee Mann's Holiday Variety Show last night. (Suck on that, PlanetDan who never visits me in Chicago) The live comic bits seemed a bit forced: two funny people suddenly having to be funny is rarely funny.

The music was great and the bits that were more scripted and canned like a traditional variety show seemed to work better. I especially enjoyed the Hanukkah Fairy, who rapped the story of the Maccabean revolt. The chorus had Aimee background singing 'She's the mother fucking Hanukkah Fairy.'

Aimee also made a holiday film. At one point she's walking on the beach talking about how she needed to be alone and get away from all of the Hollywood bullshit. The camera man asks her if the crew should give her some space and let her be alone.

'No,' she says, 'could you just film me being alone for a while?'

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Last week I went to the Modest Mouse show with my friend Steven Soderberg (no relation). I had missed them at Lallapalooza and had been looking forward to them for a long time. Steven may or may not have been looking forward to seeing the band, but he did get to enjoy some frottage with the straight college dudes who were crowded around us.

'When it happens with straight college dudes,' I said, 'I think it should be called frattage.'

Rim-shot

Thank you, good night!

Winter Wonderland

It snowed in Chicago this week. It's the first time I've seen real snow in about 13 years, so I've been listening to PlanetDan's Christmas CD and driving around the city.

When I was a child, I had a Christmas Carol songbook and the lyrics to Winter Wonderland had a typo, so for most of my life I thought the lines were:

We'll say 'are you married?'
He'll say 'no man,
but you can do the job
when you're in town'

As a child, I didn't question the lyrics--in the same way that I knew 'bells on Bob's tail' rang, but didn't realize Bob was the horse's name. But as an adult, I wondered exactly what job the minister had in mind. I imagined clandestine scenes in the fellowship hall and behind the baptistery.

It wasn't until a few years ago--when I had a couple of eggnogs in me at a Christmas party and suggested something about snowballing--that someone explained the correct lyrics to me.

Condomadlibs

I have come to realize that there is virtually no combination of items that can be bought with condoms that don't inspire jr high laughs. I have written about buying the combo of condoms and padlocks, buying the combo twice in two months time because I am constantly forgetting combinations. I have read several accounts of similar experiences, my favorite was condoms and 20 pounds of catfood.

This weekend I bought them with a money clip, a USB JumpDrive, two batteries and three padlocks.

No matter what you buy it's like you are smirking saying 'that's what she said' to some random comment.

But while we're talking about it, Trojan Ultra Thin has made some sort of improvement and I highly recommend them. I actually had to stop and check it, thinking it had come off.