40 Tips for an Exceptional Life (both versions)

As a New Year's greeting, my cousin sent me the following list:

40 Tips for an Exceptional, Superb & Powerful Life!

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.
3. Buy a Tivo (DVR), tape your late night shows and get more sleep.
4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, "My purpose is to___________ today."
5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, Empathy.
6. Watch more movies, play more games and read more books this year than you did last year.
7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, tai chi, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
8. Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
9. Dream more while you are awake.
10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less foods that are not manufactured in plants.
11. Drink plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds and walnuts.
12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
13. Clear your clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.
14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.
18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
22. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
24. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie (not you guys.) Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time…..time.
30. However good or bad a situation is…..it will change.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
32. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
33. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
34. The best is yet to come.
35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
36. Do the right thing!
37. Call your family often.
38. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: "I am thankful for __________." Today I accomplished _________.
39. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
40. Enjoy the ride. Remember that this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

I responded with the following email:

I couldn't help but notice the distinctly anti-vampire slant to this list. I have made a vampire friendly version.

40 Tips for an Exceptional, Superb & Powerful Life!

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. While you walk, suck the life blood from a young virgin. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Lie in silence for at least 10 hours each day. Buy a lock for your coffin if you have to.
3. Buy a TiVo (DVR), tape your midday shows and kill more people at night.
4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, "My purpose is to become a better vampire today."
5. Live with the 3 S's – Stalking, Sucking, Stealing.
6. Watch more vampire movies, play more vampire games and read more vampire books this year than you did last year.
7. Make time to practice kung fu, turning into bats/snakes/wolves, and sucking the life blood from virgins. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
8. Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6. (No one will miss the former and the later have strong energy)
9. Dream more while you are awake.
10. Provide more foods that grow on trees and plants and less foods that are not manufactured in plants for your prey. They'll taste much better.
11. Drink plenty of blood. Eat blueberry farmers, wild Alaskan fishermen, and joggers.
12. Try to make at least three people scream each day.
13. Clear your clutter from your castle, your coffin, your wives and let new and flowing energy into your life.
14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, werewolves, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away, much like us turning into a mysterious fog.
16. For breakfast eat a king, lunch a prince and dinner a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the werewolves away.
18. Life isn't fair, and it's good we have the advantage.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Kill them and be done with it.
20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
21. You don't have to win every argument. Kill them and be done with it.
22. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. (Or kill them and be done with it.)
23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
24. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy cape. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five minutes, all of you will be dead! Mwa ha ha ha ha."
27. Forgive everyone for everything, or kill them and be done with it.
28. What other people think of you is up to you. Use mind control if necessary.
29. Time heals almost everything. Time…..and the blood of virgins.
30. However good or bad a situation is…..it will change.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Especially if they are virgins. Suck them dry.
32. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or a virgin.
33. Envy is a waste of time. Steal what you need.
34. The best is yet to come.
35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, show up and make them scream before they die.
36. Do the right thing!
37. Call your family often.
38. Each morning before you lie down complete the following statements: "I am thankful for being a vampire." "Today I accomplished killing innocent virgins."
39. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
40. Enjoy the ride. Remember that this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.